Drama, drama.

I really hate crying. You would never know it, though, from the frequency that I perform the act. Probably once a week. Sometimes it's not a sad cry... just an, "I'm emotional today" cry, or an "why the fuck won't my printer print this paper??" cry. I recognize that this is ridiculous. It annoys J, my boyfriend, but what can you do? He yells when he's upset, and I just cry. We work together that way.

Some days I just really feel like a horrible person. I'm not sure what makes me feel that way. But every once in a while, I wake up and look in the mirror and just fucking hate myself. I hate the way I look, and I hate the fact that it's so hard to make myself look the way I want to look, the way I need to look. I place a lot of my problems on the fact that I don't look the way that I'd like too, that I'm not as beautiful as I want to be. I can write the perfect woman, and I can write the woman I want to be, but it's really difficult to become those women, because aside from hating the way I look, I also hate the way that I am on these days.

That's probably a hard concept to explain. I don't want to go into depth here, but I really wish that I had inner qualities that other women possess, but I do not. I'm opinionated and maybe a little skeptical. But on the other hand, I'm also very open-minded and a total optimist. I'm loud and need attention pretty much all the time, but I'm also a great listener and I like being alone sometimes. I am completely independent and a huge advocate on people figuring out how to do things for themselves, but on the other hand, I need help too sometimes! And usually, I don't know how to ask for it.

Fuck.

Days like these are the times when I think that maybe I'm crazy and simply no one has informed me yet. These things just aren't natural, are they? It's not normal to hate yourself and blame yourself for everything one day, and the next day be able to convince yourself that today will be better. It's an awkward mix of personality traits.

It's a struggle. =)

I am really starting to hate snow days. I wish they would quit cancelling school because all I end up doing is sitting on my couch and feeling listless and bored. And getting into arguments and hating myself. It's stupid.